Letter to Fina from Vinca - I

To Fina Taviani

My dearest sister I find myself unsure what to write to you from this darkened state into which I have fallen. My Simon is barely cold within his grave and Maria has strongly suggested I return to my family. She does not wish such as I in her palazzo. I knew she did not approve of my marriage to her son but my Simon would not be denied. Now my strength has passed from this world and been carried into the embrace of God.

With his passing I feel as if my very chest is such a gaping wound that to look upon it would cause the strongest men to weep in pity. I feel empty and lost. I know Agneta will not approve of the news that I will return to the casa. I find I have so little energy to dredge up concern for her cares in this matter however.

I have spent days wondering if there is a place for me anywhere now that my Simon is stolen from me by the cruel and merciless Fates. Would that I could convince Atropos to sever my thread and leave that of my beloved I would. She is as implacable as her name, however, and would never heed the grieving words of mother, sister or wife.

More than one dark night have I sat upon the bed we shared clutching dagger to my breast convinced I might follow him beyond this place. More than once the tip his rested upon pale skin above my heart. I am, I fear, a coward. I cannot bring myself to force that thin blade into the final plunge through pale skin. And would it not condemn me to Hell for my sin? Is it not a sin against God to take a life, even one’s own? It is that fear that stops me. I cannot bear the thought that my despondency will be the final step that will keep me for eternity from my beloved for I know he has been drawn into the embrace of God to walk eternally in sunlit gardens.

Will he remember me when at last I am freed from this shell to join him? I must believe he will for I could not bear to think otherwise. If I believed otherwise then what point would there be to not being cast into the depths? For to look upon his beautiful face and have him look through me, not seeing who I am and the depth of my love for him, would shatter a soul already so vastly damaged.

~Vinca